Most of this week's double parsha is part of the "Holiness Code". It contains the ritual and ethical practices for living a sacred and holy Jewish life. Among the more than 50 laws given is one of the most difficult to perform properly: "You shall surely rebuke your fellow, but you shall not bear a sin on his account."
What is the proper way to give rebuke?
Rashi answers this question by making a connection between the two parts of the mitzvah – rebuke without sinning. Explains Rashi: [In the course of rebuking your fellow,] do not embarrass him in public." In other words, if you embarrass the person you are rebuking, you commit a sin.
Rav Gedaliah Schorr notes an alternate translation of this passage that provides additional meaning. It can be read as "Do not raise the sin over him." In other words, do not make a big deal over the person's wrongdoing, metaphorically holding the misdeed over his head, because this will only make him feel belittled and unworthy.
Rabbi Zelig Pliskin suggests a better alternative: raise the person over the sin. He writes: "Better to place the emphasis on the person and say, 'How could a person such as you do such a thing?' Better to…show him that to do such a thing is beneath him, that he is too great to do such a thing."
Continues Rabbi Pliskin: "When someone tries to criticize or rebuke another person, it is obligatory for those words to come from the depths of his heart. The Sages have said that only those words that come from the heart will enter the heart of the other person. Therefore, if your words of correction are not an expression of your inner feelings of care and concern for the welfare of the other person, they will not have a positive influence on the person you are speaking to."
A well known story is told about the Chofetz Chaim and how he rebuked a student who was caught smoking on Shabbat. (Torah prohibits lighting a fire, and by extension, smoking, on the Sabbath.) The rebuke lasted for exactly two minutes, and afterwards, the boy observed Shabbat scrupulously. The Chofetz Chaim simply wept and softly cried, "Shabbos, Shabbos, Shabbos." There were no put-downs, no berating. There was only a gentle but powerful reminder of the importance of Shabbat.
As parents, when we rebuke our children, we should do so out of love and concern and with genuine kindness to ensure a lasting effect.
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