Vayigash 5771

In this week's parsha, Yosef (Joseph) reveals his identity to his brothers, who have come to Egypt because there is a famine in their homeland. Yosef says, "I am Yosef. Is my father still alive?" Astounded to find the brother they had abandoned 22 years ago, the brothers are unable to answer.

Why did Yosef ask such a simple question when he had the opportunity to criticize his brothers for mistreating him?

When Yosef asks if his father is alive, he does not expect or require an answer. Yosef already knows that his father, Yakov (Jacob), is alive. In the previous parsha, the brothers tell Yosef that they are concerned that leaving their youngest brother Binyamin (Benjamin) behind in Egypt will distress their father.

The Sages explain that Yosef's statement "I am Yosef" and his subsequent question, is actually a rebuke. Yosef knows his brothers will not be able to defend their actions. Any answer they give will appear hypocritical: Today, they are worried about their father's well being; years ago, when they abandoned Yosef, they did not consider the effect on their father's health.

Rabbi Chaim Shmulevitz in his Sichos Mussar says that the essence of a reproof is not criticizing a person, but simply making the person see the mistake he has made.

When Yosef says to his brothers, "I am Yosef," he means: "I am your younger brother, whom you sold into slavery. And now I stand before you as ruler of Egypt, in fulfillment of all of the dreams that I dreamed. You sold me so the dreams would not materialize. And yet, precisely because you sold me into slavery, the dreams came true. I did not bear you ill will when I related those dreams. You misjudged me! Now you must judge yourselves."

As parents, what can we learn from Yosef's subtle but effective admonishment? How can we use this strategy when we discipline our children?

From Yosef, we learn that criticism can only be useful if it helps our children to look in the mirror and see the truth of their wrongful action. To be effective, we must give criticism gently and lovingly, without shouting, name-calling or cynicism. We don't want to make our child feel badly about herself, or give her the impression that we think she can't change her behavior, or that she is a lost cause.

Rabbi Jacob Israel Twerski of blessed memory succeeded in correcting his five exceptional sons' errant behavior simply by looking them in the eye and saying "Es past nisht." Loosely translated from the Yiddish, it means, "This behavior doesn't suit you. I expect more from you." The message is, "You are too good, your potential is too great, and you have too much to offer to stoop to this type of behavior." In responding to poor behavior in a loving and non-judgmental manner, we parents are able to convey our disapproval, but still preserve our children's dignity and self-esteem.