“And the youths grew up, and Esav (Esau) was a man who
understood hunting, a man of the field, whereas Yaakov (Jacob) was an innocent
man, dwelling in tents. And Yitzchak (Isaac) loved Esav because [his]
game was in his mouth, but Rivka (Rebecca) loves Yaakov.” (Bereishit/Genesis
25:27-28)
In this week’s Torah portion, after 20 years of infertility,
Yitzchak and Rivka have twin sons, Esav and Yaakov. By the time the boys are
13, differences emerge in their personalities, with Esav turning to idols and
Yaakov going to the study hall. Commentators note that these distinctions cause
each parent to love each son differently, or to appear to favor one over the
other.
How can parents, especially those on such exalted levels
as our matriarch and patriarch, favor one child over another?
“Esav became a hunter, but not only in the literal sense. He
became adept at trapping his father by asking questions that would make him
appear to be unusually pious…and he gained his father’s love by serving him
conscientiously; for example, by hunting game to put in his mouth, so that
Yitzchak could eat fresh and tasty meat. Yaakov, however, was morally
wholesome, saying what he thought and never being duplicitous, and spending all
his time in the study tents of Shem and Ever.” (Artscroll’s Stone Chumash,
citing Rashi and Bereishit Rabbah 63:10)
Mrs. Shira Smiles on yutorah.org notes that when Torah
describes Esav, the word ish (man) is used twice, whereas the word ish
is used only once when Yaakov is described. She teaches that the double usage
of ish signifies that Esav has two distinct personalities; he is able to
appear righteous when required, such as when Esav is with Yitzchak and does not
want to upset his father by revealing his true personality.
While some commentators contend that Yitzchak is too pure to
comprehend Esav’s manipulation and deceit, others credit Yitzchak with possessing
a deep understanding of Esav’s personality. Mrs. Dina Coopersmith on aish.com
writes that Rivka, too, easily is able to recognize Esav’s deceit because she
comes from a family of manipulators.
R. Shlomo Katz on torah.org cites the Krystonopol Rav’s explanation
for Yitzchak’s seemingly blind love for Esav: In order to influence Esav and to prevent him
from entirely abandoning his parents’ ways, Yitzchak has to love Esav.
He remarks that the verb used in the verse is in the causative tense rather
than the simple past tense: “Yitzchak caused love to Esav” rather than
“Yitzchak loved Esav.” In other words, Yitzchak struggles to love Esav.
Mrs. Smiles puts forth that Yitzchak is aware of Esav’s
negative traits but goes out of his way to find a positive trait that he can
praise. He pours out his love, hoping to win over Esav, and Esav responds
accordingly. By contrast, Yaakov does not require outright demonstrations of
parental love. He studies Torah with his father and this is how they become
endeared to one another.
Rav Yissocher Frand on torah.org also writes about the
grammar of the verse, noting that Yitzchak “loved” while Rivka “loves.” He
writes: “The Dubno Maggid suggests a solution based on a keen observation of
the world. In non-Jewish society, people define themselves and are defined by
others according to what they do. In Jewish society, people are defined by what
they are.”
Writes Rav Frand: “Judaism values all people for what they
are, for their tzelem Elokim (being created in G-d’s image), for their
character, their integrity, their goodness, their ethical standards, their menschlichkeit
(how decent, upright, mature and responsible they are), their spiritual
accomplishments.”
Rav Frand explains that Esav represents non-Jewish values
because he wants to be known as athlete, warrior and hunter and to be valued
for his past achievements. Therefore, Yitzchak loved Esav (in the past
tense) for the game he put in Yitzchak’s mouth, a past accomplishment.
On the other hand, Yaakov represents Jewish values, defined
by what he is rather than what he does. Rivka loves Yaakov (in the
present tense) because the love continues uninterrupted and is independent of
his latest achievement.
As parents, we must never to give up on a child. We must
find at least one positive quality and help the child to develop it. We must
invest extra energy in the child who does not mirror ourselves or our values.
We must love our children for what they are, rather than for what they accomplish.
