Shelach 5774

In this week’s Torah portion, Moshe (Moses) sends out men to scout conditions in the Land of Israel. The men return and report seeing giants. “In our eyes, we seemed like grasshoppers, and so we were in their eyes.” (Bamidbar/Numbers 13:33)

What does the scouts’ report teach about how we see ourselves and how we appear to others?

The scouts thought that Israel’s inhabitants viewed them as small in size and easy to conquer. What really happened is that the spies felt small and grasshopper-like in their own eyes, so they believed that was the way Israel’s inhabitants would perceive them.

Adam Lieberman notes on www.aish.com the irony that the way we see ourselves is exactly how we think others feel about us. If we want people to feel differently about us, he advises that we have to change the way we feel about ourselves. For example, if we are able to see ourselves as worthy of respect and love, we will appear loveable and deserving of respect, and we will be respected and loved.

As parents, we want our children to think well of themselves so others will think highly of them and will want to be their friends. We can boost our children’s confidence and self-esteem by pointing out and praising their positive characteristics and expressing our pride in their efforts. They will internalize our good impressions and project a positive outlook to others.

http://www.aish.com/tp/b/ll/48960731.html  

Toldot 5774

“And the youths grew up, and Esav (Esau) was a man who understood hunting, a man of the field, whereas Yaakov (Jacob) was an innocent man, dwelling in tents. And Yitzchak (Isaac) loved Esav because [his] game was in his mouth, but Rivka (Rebecca) loves Yaakov.” (Bereishit/Genesis 25:27-28)

In this week’s Torah portion, after 20 years of infertility, Yitzchak and Rivka have twin sons, Esav and Yaakov. By the time the boys are 13, differences emerge in their personalities, with Esav turning to idols and Yaakov going to the study hall. Commentators note that these distinctions cause each parent to love each son differently, or to appear to favor one over the other.

How can parents, especially those on such exalted levels as our matriarch and patriarch, favor one child over another?   

“Esav became a hunter, but not only in the literal sense. He became adept at trapping his father by asking questions that would make him appear to be unusually pious…and he gained his father’s love by serving him conscientiously; for example, by hunting game to put in his mouth, so that Yitzchak could eat fresh and tasty meat. Yaakov, however, was morally wholesome, saying what he thought and never being duplicitous, and spending all his time in the study tents of Shem and Ever.” (Artscroll’s Stone Chumash, citing Rashi and Bereishit Rabbah 63:10)  

Mrs. Shira Smiles on yutorah.org notes that when Torah describes Esav, the word ish (man) is used twice, whereas the word ish is used only once when Yaakov is described. She teaches that the double usage of ish signifies that Esav has two distinct personalities; he is able to appear righteous when required, such as when Esav is with Yitzchak and does not want to upset his father by revealing his true personality.

While some commentators contend that Yitzchak is too pure to comprehend Esav’s manipulation and deceit, others credit Yitzchak with possessing a deep understanding of Esav’s personality. Mrs. Dina Coopersmith on aish.com writes that Rivka, too, easily is able to recognize Esav’s deceit because she comes from a family of manipulators.

R. Shlomo Katz on torah.org cites the Krystonopol Rav’s explanation for Yitzchak’s seemingly blind love for Esav:  In order to influence Esav and to prevent him from entirely abandoning his parents’ ways, Yitzchak has to love Esav. He remarks that the verb used in the verse is in the causative tense rather than the simple past tense: “Yitzchak caused love to Esav” rather than “Yitzchak loved Esav.” In other words, Yitzchak struggles to love Esav.

Mrs. Smiles puts forth that Yitzchak is aware of Esav’s negative traits but goes out of his way to find a positive trait that he can praise. He pours out his love, hoping to win over Esav, and Esav responds accordingly. By contrast, Yaakov does not require outright demonstrations of parental love. He studies Torah with his father and this is how they become endeared to one another.

Rav Yissocher Frand on torah.org also writes about the grammar of the verse, noting that Yitzchak “loved” while Rivka “loves.” He writes: “The Dubno Maggid suggests a solution based on a keen observation of the world. In non-Jewish society, people define themselves and are defined by others according to what they do. In Jewish society, people are defined by what they are.”

Writes Rav Frand: “Judaism values all people for what they are, for their tzelem Elokim (being created in G-d’s image), for their character, their integrity, their goodness, their ethical standards, their menschlichkeit (how decent, upright, mature and responsible they are), their spiritual accomplishments.”

Rav Frand explains that Esav represents non-Jewish values because he wants to be known as athlete, warrior and hunter and to be valued for his past achievements. Therefore, Yitzchak loved Esav (in the past tense) for the game he put in Yitzchak’s mouth, a past accomplishment.

On the other hand, Yaakov represents Jewish values, defined by what he is rather than what he does. Rivka loves Yaakov (in the present tense) because the love continues uninterrupted and is independent of his latest achievement.

As parents, we must never to give up on a child. We must find at least one positive quality and help the child to develop it. We must invest extra energy in the child who does not mirror ourselves or our values. We must love our children for what they are, rather than for what they accomplish.

http://www.torah.org/learning/hamaayan/5761/toldos.html

http://torah.org/learning/ravfrand/5770/toldos.html

http://www.yutorah.org/lectures/lecture.cfm/751240/Mrs-_Shira_Smiles/Toldos-_Preferential_Parenting

http://www.aish.com/jl/b/women/Women_in_the_Bible_Rivka.html

Eikev 5772

In this week’s parsha, Moshe (Moses) continues his final address to the Children of Israel. “And you shall remember the entire way on which the L-rd your G-d led you these forty years in the desert, in order to afflict you, to test you, to know what is in your heart…You shall know in your heart that just as a man chastises his son, so does the L-rd your G-d chastise you.”

When he references a man’s chastisement of his son, what does Moshe convey about our relationship with G-d during difficult times?

This parsha always is read during the sheva d’nechmosa, the seven weeks of consolation between Tisha B’Av (the fast day commemorating the destruction of both Holy Temples and our exile from Jerusalem) and Rosh Hashana (the Jewish New Year). Each week, we read a Haftorah from the prophet Isaiah, whose stirring vision of future redemption and return provides hope and consolation.

Writes Rabbi Naftali Reich on torah.org: “The message of Isaiah is an enduring one, for each of us experiences moments of challenge and exile, grief and suffering, where we feel estranged from and rejected by our Creator...Isaiah’s message that suffering always has a meaningful end result is important to internalize as we grapple with life’s setbacks and disappointments.”

Rabbis Yisroel and Osher Anshul Jungreis explain: “Our parsha teaches that G-d never punishes, in the sense of meaning to inflict pain without a constructive purpose…So even in the midst of our pain, we have to know that G-d, our Father, is with us and has not abandoned us. And this knowledge cannot merely be cerebral, but must be ‘felt in our hearts,’ for only thus will we be able to stay the course.”

“A father only has love for his children and his intention is never to punish, but to correct. King David reinforces this teaching in Psalm 23, ‘Your rod and Your staff shall comfort me’, meaning that even when G-d’s rod causes me pain, it comforts me, because I know His purpose is to help me improve me.”

Rabbi Reich continues: “Throughout the sheva d’nechmosa, we seek to internalize the message that only when the process of exile is complete and the redemption a reality, will we fully understand that even its most destructive phases were integral to the ‘harvesting’ of our nation’s ultimate goodness and beauty.”

“By extension, we must try to survey the landscape of our personal lives with a similar perspective. Simply assuring ourselves that all will work out well does not always suffice. If we absorb Isaiah’s message, however, that we are Hashem’s [G-d’s] children at all times, and even in the grip of pain and suffering, Hashem’s love is pulsating beneath the surface, we can then rest assured that all will truly end well.”

As parents, we must teach our children to accept and even to embrace life’s challenges and difficulties. Just as G-d loves and supports us in difficult times, we must provide our children with the love and support they need to discover new strength and to deepen their relationship with G-d.

Read Rabbi Reich’s commentary at torah.org/learning/legacy/5772/eikev.html

Devarim 5772

This week begins the fifth and final book of Torah, Devarim (Deuteronomy). Near the end of his life and the conclusion of the 40-year journey in the desert, Moshe (Moses) addresses the Children of Israel. He reviews the events that occurred during the journey and the laws given. In going over the story of the spies who reported negatively about the Land of Israel, Moshe says: “You spoke slanderously in your tents and said, ‘Because the L-rd hates us, he took us out of the land of Egypt, to deliver us into the hand[s] of the Amorites to exterminate us.’” (Because the spies gave their negative report on the ninth day of the Hebrew month Av, this parsha always is read before the fast day of Tisha B’Av, which is observed this year on Sunday, July 29.)

Moshe’s account differs from the original version in Torah (Bamidbar/Numbers 14:2): “All the Children of Israel complained against Moshe and Aharon (Aaron) and the entire congregation said, ‘If only we had died in the land of Egypt, or if only we had died in this desert.’”  Why in his retelling does Moshe introduce a new detail – the people saying that G-d hates them?

Rashi explains the psychology behind the people’s supposed hatred. He cites what he calls a “popular saying”: “That which is in your heart about your beloved is what [you imagine] is in his heart about you.”  In other words, the people are disappointed and angry at G-d. In order to mask their resentment towards Him, they project their hatred onto Him. G-d really loves the Israelites, but because they feel hatred towards Him, they mistakenly feel that He hates them.  

Writes Rochel Holzkenner on chabad.org: “[By referring to the people’s hatred] Moses is making a powerful point. G-d loves you even if you’re angry, resentful, or even hateful towards Him…When we’re able to realize that G-d loves us, despite the disappointments in our life, and despite our palpable bitterness towards Him, then the anger begins to melt away in the face of warmth and care. The circumstances may remain painful, but the anger begins to dissipate.”

As parents, we love our children as G-d loves us – unconditionally.  Unfortunately, when we discipline our children or make unpopular decisions, they might become disappointed or resentful towards us, failing to understand that our actions are out of love and our desire to protect them. We must patiently endure their hateful words and continue to love them unconditionally, knowing that deep in their hearts they really love us as we love them.

Bamidbar 5771

In this week's parsha, G-d speaks to Moshe Bamidbar Sinai (in the Sinai Desert) and commands him to "Take the sum of all the congregation of the B'nei Yisrael (Children of Israel.)" The Book of Bamidbar, the fourth book of the Torah, is called Numbers in English because of this census and the later one in Parashat Pinchas.

Surely G-d, in His ultimate wisdom, knows exactly how many Children of Israel there are. Why does He command Moshe to count them?

Rashi answers: "Because of G-d's great love for His people, He counts them all the time. He counted them when they left Egypt. He counted them after they fell in the wake of the sin of the Golden Calf, to know the number of the survivors. And He counted them when He came to manifest His presence within them: On the first of Nissan the Sanctuary was erected, and [one month later] on the first of Iyar He counted them."

From The Midrash Says: "A person invests time and effort to inspect and count objects that are precious to him. The more valuable the item, the more carefully will he scrutinize it. The Almighty frequently counts K'lal Yisrael, demonstrating that every individual Jew is important. Therefore, the Torah goes to great lengths to detail the numbers of the Jewish people."

According to Rabbi Shaul Rosenblatt on www.aish.com, G-d counts us because He wants us to know that each one of us matters. "We are not a nation of millions; we are special individuals who together make a nation. No one is dispensable. If one of us disappears, G-d notices and cares."

As parents, each one of our children is precious. Each child is special in her own way. We love each one independently of the others, no matter how many children we have. In this way, we emulate G-d's love for us.




 

Kedoshim 5771

This week's parsha contains what Rabbi Akiva calls a "major principle" of Torah: "You should love your fellow as you love yourself." The fulfillment of this mitzvah is understood to be the basis of one's fulfillment of the entire Torah. Rabbi Hillel paraphrases the precept as "What is hateful to you, do not inflict upon others." According to Rabbi Hillel, "This is the entire Torah. The rest is commentary."

Writes the Sefer HaChinuch, "A person who loves another as himself will not steal from him, commit adultery with his wife, cheat him of goods or oppress him with words, will not move his boundary [usurp his land], and will not harm him in any way...The root reason for the mitzvah is apparent: for as a person treats another, so will the other treat him; and with this there will be peace among human beings."

How is it possible to love another as one loves oneself?

The great Chassidic master, the Baal Shem Tov, reminds us that we ourselves have many faults, but still love ourselves; so should we love others, despite their faults. Erich Fromm, the social psychologist, explains that we should love others because they are like us. We are all created in G-d's image. First, we must like and respect ourselves; then, we can come to have the same respect and consideration for others.

As parents, if we teach one principle to our children, this should be it. Imagine all of the childhood problems that would fade away if we took this principle to heart. There would be no more playground bullying, cyber-bullying, tattling, or cheating. There would only be empathetic children who consider the feelings of others before they speak or act. Imagine how much kinder and gentler childhood could be. It is our job as parents to make it so.