Shelach 5774

In this week’s Torah portion, Moshe (Moses) sends out men to scout conditions in the Land of Israel. The men return and report seeing giants. “In our eyes, we seemed like grasshoppers, and so we were in their eyes.” (Bamidbar/Numbers 13:33)

What does the scouts’ report teach about how we see ourselves and how we appear to others?

The scouts thought that Israel’s inhabitants viewed them as small in size and easy to conquer. What really happened is that the spies felt small and grasshopper-like in their own eyes, so they believed that was the way Israel’s inhabitants would perceive them.

Adam Lieberman notes on www.aish.com the irony that the way we see ourselves is exactly how we think others feel about us. If we want people to feel differently about us, he advises that we have to change the way we feel about ourselves. For example, if we are able to see ourselves as worthy of respect and love, we will appear loveable and deserving of respect, and we will be respected and loved.

As parents, we want our children to think well of themselves so others will think highly of them and will want to be their friends. We can boost our children’s confidence and self-esteem by pointing out and praising their positive characteristics and expressing our pride in their efforts. They will internalize our good impressions and project a positive outlook to others.

http://www.aish.com/tp/b/ll/48960731.html  

Vayechi 5774

“…And Yisrael (Israel) prostrated himself….” (Bereishit/Genesis 47:31)

In this week’s Torah portion, Yaakov (Jacob, called Yisrael in this verse) near the end of his life, calls his son Yosef (Joseph) to his bedside. Rashi notes that Yaakov bows down to Yosef, even though it normally would be improper for a father to do so for a son. Quoting from Talmud (Megillah 16b) -- “Although the lion is king, when it is the time of the fox, bow down to him” -- Rashi explains that Yaakov shows Yosef the respect he deserves as reigning viceroy, royalty.

According to the Kehot Chumash, there is another reason Yaakov bows to Yosef: He wants to arouse Yosef’s sense of power and grant him the confidence required to carry out Yaakov’s request to be buried in Israel, even though Pharaoh would insist that Yaakov be laid to rest in Egypt. 

Writes Rosally Saltsman in Parenting by the Book: “We learn from this that we have to treat our children…when they grow up, with the respect accorded to adults of their stature.” She notes that many of our children become rabbis, doctors or judges and are given titles that convey their status.  While others address our grown children as rabbi, doctor, or your honor, we parents may still want to call them Rivkele or Moishy, Becky or Mikey.

Mrs. Saltsman continues: “It is important, especially in public, that parents acknowledge the official status of their children and certainly the fact that they are grown up. No matter what their stature, there are those who will look up to them as older and wiser (such as their children) and we have to maintain that truth in their eyes.”

As parents of grown children, we should remember that even when children are adults and have acquired status, they will still turn to us for approval, and they require our continued love, support and appropriate respect.  

Bamidbar 5772

This week’s parsha opens the fourth book of Torah, Bamidbar (in the wilderness). Its English name is Numbers, relating to G-d’s request to conduct a census before He gives the Jewish people the Torah. In the third chapter, the Levites are counted: “These are the descendants of Moshe and Aharon… Nadav and Avihu died before the L-rd when they brought alien fire before the L-rd in the Sinai Desert, and they had no children.”

Why does Torah emphasize that Nadav and Avihu died childless?

Nadav and Avihu died supernatural and mysterious deaths. Torah tells in Vayikra/Leviticus (10:1) and repeats here, that they brought “alien fire” into the Holy Tabernacle. The Sages offer many explanations, most pointing to a lack of respect. Some say the brothers were intoxicated and violated the sanctity of a holy place; others say that they issued a legal ruling without consulting Moshe, the authority they should have respected.

Rabbi Yissocher Frand considers how one can measure the level of one’s own respectfulness. He answers: “By his children. If his children are disrespectful to him, he can be sure that he is not sufficiently respectful to others.”

Rabbi Frand cites Rav Wolbe’s Alei Shur, in which the Rav applies this concept to all areas of character development. “There is no greater factor in improving one’s midos [character traits] than having children.” Writes Rabbi Frand: “People have a tendency not to see their own flaws, but they see the flaws of their children all too well. And if they are intelligent, thinking people, they will realize they do not have to seek too far for the source of their children’s flaws, and they will make every effort to correct the situation.”

Rabbi Frand surmises that if Nadav and Avihu had children, they would have noticed if their children acted disrespectfully. They would have realized that as fathers, they themselves were to blame for their children’s poor behavior. Having children would have given them the opportunity to improve their own level of respectfulness.

This parsha always is read before Shavuot, the festival commemorating the giving of the Torah. (This year the holiday will be observed in the Diaspora on Saturday evening, May 26 and ends Monday evening, May 28.) The Midrash says that when G-d offers the Torah to the Jewish people He asks us to provide a guarantor, and we offer our children. In other words, we promise to faithfully study Torah and teach it to our children. As parents, this serves as our commitment to constantly seek out and eradicate our own character flaws, lest we inadvertently transmit them to our children.