Shoftim 5773

“What man is there who is fearful and fainthearted? Let him go and return to his house…” (Devarim/Deuteronomy20:8)

This week’s Torah portion contains laws concerning warfare, including the following exemptions from going out to battle: the newly betrothed, those who have just built a house or planted a vineyard but not yet inaugurated or redeemed them, and the “fearful and fainthearted”.  Rosally Saltsman in Parenting by the Book (p. 206) suggests that this refers to someone who fears for his life either because he doesn’t have enough faith in Hashem, or he feels he is not worthy of a miracle to survive battle.

Writes Mrs. Saltsman: “Fear is a very powerful thing. Sometimes we underestimate the fears of our children. We brush off the cobwebs of their nightmares and force them to do things they are genuinely afraid of doing. Although we need to encourage them to have faith in themselves and prod them a bit when they hesitate to try new things, we should never force our children to do anything they are genuinely afraid of doing.”

There are things that children will eventually have to do: swim, go to school, stay alone at home, marry. Mrs. Saltsman advises that children can either be led gradually into these situations, or parents can wait until the time feels right. “Throwing a child into deep water either figuratively or literally will only traumatize the child,” she writes.

Mrs. Saltsman warns that forcing a child to do something for which the child is not ready can leave emotional and psychological scars.  Children should only be forced to face their fears if it is a life-threatening situation. Otherwise, we should gently coax, but never, ever coerce.

Concludes Mrs. Saltsman: “If G-d emphasized the danger of an adult going to war against his will even under His promise of protection, then surely we [parents] can relax our demands on our own children.”    

Naso 5773

In his discussion of the Haftorah for Naso (Shoftim/Judges 13: 2-25), Rav Yissocher Frand writes about Rav Shimon Schwab’s “novel interpretation” of the Haftorah’s account of an angel appearing to Manoach and his barren wife to announce that they would have a special child, a lifetime Nazirite who would fight against the Philistine oppressors.

The angel appears first to Manoach’s wife. When she tells Manoach, he prays to G-d for the angel to reappear and tell him how to raise the child. The angel has already given the future mother the necessary instructions on how to raise a Nazirite – as her Nazirite son would, she should abstain from wine and grapes from before conception forward. Rav Schwab asks, what more did Manoach need to know?   

The angel returns and tells Manoach: "From everything that I warned your wife, guard (tishamer). Do not consume that which comes from the grape of the vine…" Asks Rav Schwab, so what in fact is new in the angel's answer? He just seems to be repeating what he already told Manoach's wife.

Rav Schwab explains that Manoach does not have a question regarding the laws of being a Nazirite. He asks a question regarding chinuch, the laws of raising children. Manoach asks, “Can I raise a Nazirite, if I myself am not a Nazirite?" Could he raise a child to do things that he does not do himself?

Writes Rav Frand: “According to Rav Schwab, the angel responded, ‘Yes, in fact, you must also observe these laws yourself.’ This is an elementary principle in child rearing, but it is a tremendously novel interpretation of the verse in our Haftorah. In Hebrew grammar, the verb tishamer, which appears in the angel's instructions to Manoach, can be interpreted in one of two ways. The standard interpretation is ‘she should guard herself’ (third person, referring to Manoach's wife). Rav Schwab interprets the word in accordance with the second possible translation: ‘You should guard yourself’ (second person, referring to Manoach).”

The angel delivers a basic parenting principle: the only way for parents to teach is by our own example. If we want to raise decent and honest Jewish people then we, ourselves, must be decent and honest Jewish people.

http://torah.org/learning/ravfrand/5762/naso.html

Shoftim 5772

This week’s parsha begins with the mitzvah (commandment) to appoint shoftim (judges) and court officers. No sooner is the mitzvah given than it is interrupted by two prohibitions against idolatry that seem to be out of place and unrelated to the opening mitzvah. “You shall not plant for yourself an ashera, [or] any tree, near the altar of the L-rd, your G-d, which you shall make for yourself. And you shall not set up for yourself a matzeva (monument), which the L-rd your G-d hates.”

Why are the prohibitions against the ashera and the matzeva given at this point in Torah?

Rav Mordechai Sabato on vbm-torah.org explains why the laws of the court are juxtaposed with the laws of the altar: “The G-d before Whom you stand, in approaching the altar, is the same G-d before Whom the judges and litigants stand… Just as we are to maintain the purity of the altar, not involving it in elements aimed at embodying G-d and corrupting our faith, so are we to take care to maintain the purity of law, not to pervert it and turn it into injustice.”

Rabbi Zelig Pliskin cites the comments of Rabbi Tzvi Elimelech Shapiro of Dinov: Whether a layperson or judge, one should not make a matzeva, a fixed decision for all cases, but rather one based on all of the unique circumstances of a situation. He notes that the Hebrew word for “situation” is matzav.

Writes Rabbi Pliskin: “What could be a mitzvah to do in one situation could be a transgression in another situation. At times a certain act could be a kiddush Hashem (sanctification of G-d’s name) and in other situations where some factors are a bit different, similar behavior would constitute a chilul Hashem (desecration of G-d’s name)…Only someone who has a grasp of the full panoramic view of Torah principles will have the necessary wisdom to judge what is the correct thing to do in every situation.The more Torah you learn, the greater will be your ability to make distinctions between different situations.”  

Rabbi Binny Freedman also derives meaning from the word matzeva, which he notes comes from the root yatzav, or standing/stable. He writes: “Too often it seems easiest to stand still, to take no risks, and to let life take charge...Too often, we prefer the simple path of the matzeva, the monument that signifies that we have arrived and would like to sit still where we are.  But to stand still in reality is to regress and lose any gains we might have achieved. And the issue is not just the realization that we are not meant to be standing still, but as much, the belief that we can change, and grow.”

It is no coincidence that this parsha always is the first one read in the month of Elul, leading up to Rosh Hashana (the Jewish New Year). Notes Rav Binny: [It is] the time of year most associated with our ability to change who we are, reassess our goals and what we hope to give to the world in the coming year.”

As parents, we must recognize that our children change and grow, and we must change and grow with them. A decision made for one child one day may not fit the same child, or another one of our children, the next day. We must distinguish ourselves from the rigid and inflexible matzeva, and make decisions that change, based on each child’s unique needs at the time.     

Rabbi Freedman’s article appears at www.isralight.org/assets/Text/RBF_shoftim05.html  

Rav Sabato’s article appears at www.vbm-torah.org/parsha.62/43shoftim.htm