Nitzavim-Vayelech 5773

“And Moshe (Moses) went and he spoke…to all Israel.” (Devarim/Deuteronomy 31:1)

Ibn Ezra explains: Before Moshe dies he goes to each tribe to notify them that he is about to die. He reassures them that they should not be afraid -- he is leaving them with Yehoshua (Joshua), who will be a capable, trustworthy and devoted leader.

Writes Rabbi Zelig Pliskin in Growth Through Torah:  “Moshe knew that even if they [Bnei Yisroel, the Jewish people] felt fear, it was based on an error. Nevertheless, fear is a painful emotion and it is an act of kindness to help a person overcome it.” Rabbi Pliskin concludes that we learn from Moshe that whenever we see that someone has fears, we should do all we can to alleviate those fears.

As parents, we must never laugh at our children’s fears. Mocking will just cause more emotional pain than the fear already has. Even if the fears seem silly and irrational, we must acknowledge that our children truly are afraid. We must find ways to help them understand that there is nothing to worry about, that they are safe, and that they can trust us to keep them safe.

We must also teach our children to trust that G-d watches over us and protects us. Remind your children that the letter shin (or the longer shin-dalet-yud) on the mezuzah on your doors stands for Shomer Daltot Yisroel, guardian of the doors of Israel.  (Shaddai, spelled shin-dalet-yud is a name for G-d.) We affix the parchment-filled mezuzah to our doors to remind ourselves upon entering and leaving that G-d is in charge and He guards us from entrance to exit.

Dedicated in memory of Shaina Dina bas Refuel Gershom. May her memory be for blessing and may she have an aliyah (rise) is Shamayim (the Heavens).

Shoftim 5773

“What man is there who is fearful and fainthearted? Let him go and return to his house…” (Devarim/Deuteronomy20:8)

This week’s Torah portion contains laws concerning warfare, including the following exemptions from going out to battle: the newly betrothed, those who have just built a house or planted a vineyard but not yet inaugurated or redeemed them, and the “fearful and fainthearted”.  Rosally Saltsman in Parenting by the Book (p. 206) suggests that this refers to someone who fears for his life either because he doesn’t have enough faith in Hashem, or he feels he is not worthy of a miracle to survive battle.

Writes Mrs. Saltsman: “Fear is a very powerful thing. Sometimes we underestimate the fears of our children. We brush off the cobwebs of their nightmares and force them to do things they are genuinely afraid of doing. Although we need to encourage them to have faith in themselves and prod them a bit when they hesitate to try new things, we should never force our children to do anything they are genuinely afraid of doing.”

There are things that children will eventually have to do: swim, go to school, stay alone at home, marry. Mrs. Saltsman advises that children can either be led gradually into these situations, or parents can wait until the time feels right. “Throwing a child into deep water either figuratively or literally will only traumatize the child,” she writes.

Mrs. Saltsman warns that forcing a child to do something for which the child is not ready can leave emotional and psychological scars.  Children should only be forced to face their fears if it is a life-threatening situation. Otherwise, we should gently coax, but never, ever coerce.

Concludes Mrs. Saltsman: “If G-d emphasized the danger of an adult going to war against his will even under His promise of protection, then surely we [parents] can relax our demands on our own children.”