Acharei Mot 5774

“And the L-rd spoke to Moshe (Moses) after the death of the two sons of Aharon (Aaron).”  (Vayikra/Leviticus 16:1)

Why does the verse state “after the death of Aharon’s two sons” when it could have said simply “the L-rd spoke”?

Rashi answers with a parable from Rabbi Elazar ben Aryeh about two doctors and a patient. “[The doctor] said to him, ‘Do not eat cold foods or lie down in a cold, damp place.’  Then another [doctor] visited him and advised, ‘Do not eat cold foods or lie down in a cold, damp place so you will not die the way so-and-so died.’ This one warned the patient more effectively than the former.” 

Explains Rabbi Yisrael Bronstein in A Shabbos Vort: “By alluding to someone who died as a result of not taking these precautions, the second doctor was more successful than the first at rousing the man to take care of himself.  This is why the verse states ‘after the death of Aharon’s two sons.’ It was in order to give Aharon an extra measure of motivation to keep the laws enumerated in this [week’s Torah] portion.”

Rabbi Zelig Pliskin in Growth Through Torah notes that Rashi provides an important lesson in effective communication. He writes: “It is not sufficient to convey to others abstract ideas and general warnings. Rather, we must try to add practical illustrations from everyday life describing the effects of negative behavior…Whenever appropriate, give examples of how others have lost out by engaging in unproductive behavior.” Rabbi Pliskin points out that in order to do so, we must make sure to carefully comply with the laws of lashon hara (negative speech). (For more on the laws of lashon hara, see http://www.torah.org/learning/halashon/chapter1.html)    

As parents, it is our responsibility to warn our children to avoid potentially harmful behavior. We must explain to them what can happen to people who engage in dangerous activities. In the abstract, such warnings will have little effect. A concrete example, an account of a person our children know and can relate to, will make our warning memorable and will make our children more likely to heed our admonition.

Vayeitzei 5774

“And Yaakov saw Lavan’s (Laban’s) face, that he was not disposed toward him as [he had been] yesterday and the day before.” (Bereishit/Genesis 31:2)

Rabbi Zelig Pliskin in Growth Through Torah notes that Lavan does not say anything unkind to Yaakov;  in fact, he says nothing at all that would imply resentment or animosity. Even so, by reading his uncle’s facial expression, Yaakov is able to determine that something is bothering Lavan. (The previous verse hints that Lavan might be upset because Yaakov has become wealthy.)

Rabbi Pliskin writes that from this verse we learn the importance of noticing the facial expressions of people we regularly see. Becoming sensitive to the way people look when they are pleased or displeased enables us to recognize when our actions or words have been perceived as hurtful or offensive.

By extension, Rabbi Pliskin teaches that we must be careful with our own facial expressions. If we are thinking of something unrelated but unpleasant while speaking to someone overly sensitive, the person might wrongly imagine that we are upset or angry with him. So as not to inadvertently cause emotional pain, we should monitor our own facial expressions.

Today’s reliance on brief, written electronic communication – e-mail, texting and tweeting – poses an unprecedented communication challenge. As parents, we must ensure that our children understand the limitations of such communication. The inability to read facial expressions (or to interpret vocal inflections) may cause misunderstandings, offense and hurt feelings.

With greater opportunities for electronic communication, our children are at risk of becoming insensitive to the subtleties of facial expressions and other non-verbal communication such as body language.  As parents, we therefore must encourage our children to interact as much as possible in person with both peers and adults. We must insist that electronic devices do not distract our children, and that children focus and make eye contact during face-to-face interactions.  

Chayei Sarah 5772

In this week’s parsha, Avraham sends his servant Eliezer to find a wife for Avraham’s son, Yitzchak (Isaac.)  Eliezer prays for G-d to give him a sign that he has found the right girl, and he immediately sees Rivka (Rebecca.) Eliezer believes so strongly in G-d that he immediately presents Rivka with the jewelry intended for Yitzchak’s bride, without even asking Rivka her father’s name.  When Eliezer later tells Rivka’s family about their meeting, he tells them that he asked Rivka, “Whose daughter are you?” before he “placed the ring on her nose and the bracelets on her hands.”

Why does Eliezer reverse the order of the events when he relates them to Rivka’s family?

Rashi explains that Eliezer has to do this because Rivka’s family would not have understood how he could have given jewelry to a girl without knowing who she was.  In other words, they could not have understood that Eliezer has such a deep trust in G-d that he unquestionably accepted that Rivka was the right girl for Yitzchak.  To Rivka’s family, Eliezer’s actions were irrational.  Their failure to understand his actions would have made them find his story false and label him a liar.  Sensing this, Eliezer edits his story to make it believable to people who would not accept a story about a sign from G-d.

Rabbi A.L. Scheinbaum comments that in his communication, Eliezer demonstrates perceptiveness and sensitivity.  “We must be cognizant whom we are addressing, recognizing each individual’s level of maturity, understanding and proficiency.  Once we know with whom we are speaking, we must now determine how to speak to them.  Sensitive communication is necessary in any type of relationship, be it between husband and wife, parents and children, teachers and students, or teachers and parents.  To be understood and appreciated, we must be open and sympathetic to [others’] perspectives, not just our own.”

Eliezer uses a similar sensitive and perceptive approach when he attempts to convince Rivka’s father to allow her to return with him to Avraham’s house.  “If you will do…emet (truth) with my master, tell me.”  Seforno explains that Eliezer is asking Rivka’s family “to desire the benefit and honor that was appropriate for their daughter, by allowing her to enter the house of Avraham Avinu."  Rabbi Shlomo Goldberg on www.torah.org notes that Eliezer asks Rivka’s father to do what the father knows is emet for the future of his daughter -- to allow her to pursue her true destiny, even at the cost of the father’s personal desires.

As parents, we must learn to put aside our egos and make selfless decisions that befit our children.  Only then will our children be able to pursue their unique and true destinies.

Published in honor of the bar mitzvah of Alexander Taub.

Chukat 5771

In this week's parsha, Miriam dies and the miraculous travelling well of water (which G-d provides in her merit) disappears. The people complain to Moshe that there is no water to drink. G-d instructs Moshe: "Take the staff and assemble the congregation, you and your brother Aharon, and speak to the rock in their presence so that it will give forth its water. You shall bring forth water for them from the rock and give the congregation and their livestock to drink.  Moshe took the staff from before the L-rd as He had commanded him. Moshe and Aharon assembled the congregation in front of the rock, and he said to them, 'Now listen, you rebels, can we draw water for you from this rock?' Moshe raised his hand and struck the rock with his staff twice, when an abundance of water gushed forth, and the congregation and their livestock drank.  The L-rd said to Moshe and Aharon, 'Since you did not have faith in Me to sanctify Me in the eyes of the children of Israel, therefore you shall not bring this assembly to the land which I have given them.'"

What is the nature of Moshe and Aharon's sin that they receive the severe punishment of not entering the Land of Israel?

The precise nature of Moshe and Aharon's sin, for which G-d charges them with not believing in Him, is enigmatic, and is addressed by nearly all commentators. According to Rashi, the sin is that Moshe strikes the stone instead of only speaking to it, as G-d had instructed; according to Maimonides, it is that Moshe gets angry, and says, "Hear now, you rebels."

Chassidic Master Rabbi Levi Yitzchak of Barditchev sees Maimonides' and Rashi's explanations as two sides of the same coin. If a leader's influence on the community is achieved through harsh words of rebuke, then his relationship with the environment is likewise: he will have to forcefully impose his will on it to get it to serve his people's needs and their mission in life. If, however, he influences his community by lovingly uplifting them to a higher place so that they, on their own, will desire to improve themselves, the world will likewise willingly yield its resources to the furtherance of his goals. (See http://www.chabad.org/parshah/in-depth/default_cdo/aid/45616/jewish/In-Depth.htm.)

As a leader, Moshe should never have harshly admonished the people or used physical force to emphasize a point. He would have been more effective, and indeed been able to penetrate stubborn hearts of stone, had he employed calm, non-abusive verbal communication rather than anger and physical force.

As parents, we must carefully choose the words and actions we use to rebuke our non-compliant children. There should be no name-calling, no demeaning, and under no circumstances must we ever substitute or accompany these words with physical force.