Vayishlach 5774

“I have ox and donkey, [a] sheep, and servant and maidservant…” (Bereishit/Genesis 32:6)

“I have become small from all the kindnesses…” (Bereishit 32:11)

In this week’s Torah portion, after twenty years working for his father-in-law Lavan (Laban) and becoming very wealthy, Yaakov (Jacob) takes his wives, children, servants and animals and heads toward Canaan.  It is time to reunite with his estranged brother, Esav (Esau). Although Yaakov has heard that Esav’s wrath has subsided, he nevertheless prepares for a less than cordial welcome. He sends ahead messengers offering gifts from Yaakov’s substantial herds and flocks.

Why is the text rendered in the singular (an ox, a donkey, etc.), when Yaakov actually has become quite prosperous, owns many animals and has many servants?

Rabbi Yisroel and Rabbi Osher Anshel Jungreis explain that this verse teaches humility and modesty. They write in Torah for Your Table: “From Jacob we learn that the material gifts that we possess should not be flaunted…Once again we find a lesson that is so important for our generation in which people feel compelled to ostentatiously display their wealth, or worse still, inflate it. Who among us does not know individuals with the constant need to brag about their latest acquisitions, be they real or imaginary?”

The Rabbis Jungreis explain why braggarts show off: they believe their worth is judged only through their possessions. They write: “Such people are spiritually and morally bankrupt. They lack self esteem and inner peace. Their entire lives revolve around trying to keep up with the latest, and topping it. But there is always someone they cannot top.”

Yaakov understates his wealth because he understands that all his possessions are gifts from G-d; he therefore takes no credit for their acquisition. In fact, he says k’tonti (I have become small) -- he is humbled by G-d’s kindness towards him.

Talmud (Sotah 5a) discusses at length the destructive power of the trait of arrogance and the importance of avoiding it. “Rabbi Chiya bar Ashi in the name of the Rav states a talmid chacham (Torah scholar) must have one eighth of an eighth of arrogance.” If arrogance is such a contemptible trait, why should a person have any amount of it? And why specifically “one eighth of an eighth”?

Rabbi Yisrael Bronstein in A Shabbos Vort cites the explanation of the Vilna Gaon, who connects this statement to the verse in this week’s Torah portion. “The term one eighth of an eighth is not a reference to a particular measure. Rather it is hinting at the eighth verse (32:11) of the eighth portion of the Torah, Vayishlach. While a talmid chacham must possess a certain amount of arrogance, it must be a very small amount.” In other words, one should have just enough pride to have self esteem; above and beyond that leads to haughtiness.

As parents, we must cultivate self-esteem in our children. We cannot do this solely by furnishing them with material possessions, for this provides only a false sense of security. Our generosity may also cause our children to believe they are more worthy than others who have less than they do. From experience, we know that acquisitions are temporary – what is here one day may be gone tomorrow.  We must teach our children that life is not about having more, but about being more. What one has may disappear; what one is, remains forever.

Balak 5771

In this week's parsha, Balak, king of Moab, sends Bilaam to put a curse on the Israelites. G-d prevents Bilaam from uttering curses and instead causes him to issue blessings. "Bilaam raised his eyes and saw Israel dwelling according to its tribes...[and he said] How goodly are your tents, O Yaakov, your dwelling places, O Israel!"

What is the significance of Bilaam's blessing?

Rashi explains what Bilaam witnesses when he comes to the Israelites' encampment. "He saw that their entrances [the entrances to their tents] were not aligned opposite one another, so that one should not peer into the tent of his friend." Bilaam sees how the Israelites value the sanctity and modesty of Jewish life, and how they protect their family's privacy and are sensitive to the privacy of others. Moreover, the strategic placement of the tents' doorways ensures that the Israelites do not look into their neighbors' tents and become envious of their neighbors' possessions. Awed by their virtues, Bilaam can only praise the Israelites.

The world we live in does not value privacy, modesty or discretion. The media compete to reveal the juiciest gossip; underwear is outerwear; and people post their most private thoughts and intimate photos. Popular culture tells us "if you've got it, flaunt it" and we spend a great deal of time eyeing what others have, and making sure that we have it, too.

How can we, as parents, resist and counter the social pressures to see all, tell all and have all? We can take our cue from the Israelites, who with the positioning of their tent flaps drew clear boundaries between public and private life. They built strong homes, and within them inculcated critical values of privacy and modesty. As modern-day parents, we, too, must create a home environment in which our children can develop into decent and caring adults. As Bilaam found, the sanctity of our home life is the key to bringing down blessings.