Devarim 5773

“These are the devarim (words) which Moshe (Moses) spoke to all Israel on that side of the Jordan in the desert, in the plain opposite the Red Sea, between Paran and Tofel and Lavan and Chazerot and Di Zahav.” (Devarim/Deuteronomy 1:1)

Thus begins the fifth and final book of Torah, Devarim. During his remaining days as leader, Moshe reiterates the laws and prepares the people for their future life in Israel. As part of his review Moshe subtly reminds the people of their past transgressions.

Why does Torah list the places in which the people of Israel sinned, rather than naming the transgressions?   

Writes Rashi citing Sifrei: “These are words of rebuke and he [Moshe] enumerates here all the places where they angered the Omnipresent, [but] makes no explicit mention of the incidents [and] rather merely alludes to them, out of respect for Israel.”

Moshe is careful to be respectful in his criticism so that he will be able to inspire the people to improve their behavior. Writes Rabbi Pinchas Winston on torah.org: “What came through his words was his love of the people, a people who had been the very cause of his own downfall. Yet, he restrained himself in their honor, and any criticism that reveals love is one that inspires change for the better.”

As parents, we may find ourselves criticizing our children for flaws in their behavior. If we would truthfully examine our own behavior, we likely would find the same flaws.  Writes Rabbi Winston: “To another adult one can say, ‘do as I say, not as I do,’ and maybe get away with it. However, children have difficulty separating philosophy from action, and end up imitating their parents’ actions despite their parents’ philosophy to the contrary. Whereas adults may reject criticism with the words ‘you’re just like me’, children may escape criticism by saying ‘I’m just like you.’”

Rabbi Winston suggests that we parents admit to our children that we have flaws, that we have made mistakes and that we would like to change. We should tell them that because of our own weaknesses, we understand how hard it is to change one’s behavior. We should remind them how much we care about them and the quality of their lives, and encourage them to change their behavior to improve their lives. Perhaps, then, we will be inspired to change our own behavior.

http://www.torah.org/learning/perceptions/5758/devarim.html

Published in loving memory of Rachel bas Sholom. May her holy neshama (soul) have an aliya (rise) in Shamayim (the heavens) and may her memory be for blessing.

Acharei Mot-Kedoshim 5772

Most of this week's double parsha is part of the "Holiness Code". It contains the ritual and ethical practices for living a sacred and holy Jewish life. Among the more than 50 laws given is one of the most difficult to perform properly: "You shall surely rebuke your fellow, but you shall not bear a sin on his account."
 
What is the proper way to give rebuke?
 
Rashi answers this question by making a connection between the two parts of the mitzvah – rebuke without sinning. Explains Rashi: [In the course of rebuking your fellow,] do not embarrass him in public." In other words, if you embarrass the person you are rebuking, you commit a sin.
 
Rav Gedaliah Schorr notes an alternate translation of this passage that provides additional meaning. It can be read as "Do not raise the sin over him." In other words, do not make a big deal over the person's wrongdoing, metaphorically holding the misdeed over his head, because this will only make him feel belittled and unworthy.
 
Rabbi Zelig Pliskin suggests a better alternative: raise the person over the sin. He writes: "Better to place the emphasis on the person and say, 'How could a person such as you do such a thing?' Better to…show him that to do such a thing is beneath him, that he is too great to do such a thing."
 
Continues Rabbi Pliskin: "When someone tries to criticize or rebuke another person, it is obligatory for those words to come from the depths of his heart. The Sages have said that only those words that come from the heart will enter the heart of the other person. Therefore, if your words of correction are not an expression of your inner feelings of care and concern for the welfare of the other person, they will not have a positive influence on the person you are speaking to."
 
A well known story is told about the Chofetz Chaim and how he rebuked a student who was caught smoking on Shabbat. (Torah prohibits lighting a fire, and by extension, smoking, on the Sabbath.) The rebuke lasted for exactly two minutes, and afterwards, the boy observed Shabbat scrupulously. The Chofetz Chaim simply wept and softly cried, "Shabbos, Shabbos, Shabbos." There were no put-downs, no berating. There was only a gentle but powerful reminder of the importance of Shabbat.
 
As parents, when we rebuke our children, we should do so out of love and concern and with genuine kindness to ensure a lasting effect.