Vayigash 5774

“I am your brother Yosef (Joseph) whom you sold into Egypt. But now do not be sad and let it not trouble you that you sold me here…It was not you who sent me here, but G-d...” (Bereishit/Genesis 45:4-5, 8)

In this week’s Torah portion, Yosef reunites with the brothers who sold him as a teenager into slavery in Egypt. The brothers do not recognize the grown-up Yosef, so when he reveals himself to them they worry that Yosef, now an important official, will still be angry with them and will use his power to finally avenge their malicious actions. Yosef assuages their fears; he holds no grudge against them.

Nesanel Yoel Safran on aish.com explains how Yosef is able to let go of any anger or grudge and forgive his brothers. He writes: “Joseph realized the amazing truth that everyone in our lives is, in a deeper sense, [one of] G-d’s ‘messengers.’ Whatever they say or do is only because G-d is sending us some sort of a message, and what’s the point of getting angry at the messenger?...Since the message comes from G-d, ultimately it’s for our best.” In other words, Yosef recognizes that what his brothers did to him so many years before was part of G-d’s plan, so he cannot be angry with the brothers who simply carried out G-d’s plan.

Holding on to anger and grudges can hurt even more than the original unkindness. The ability to forgive is freeing and allows living with less pain and greater happiness. Writes Lord Rabbi Jonathan Sacks on chabad.org: “Humanity changed the day Joseph forgave his brothers. When we forgive and are worthy of being forgiven, we are no longer prisoners of our past.”

As parents, instead of becoming angry when we feel wronged, instead of holding a grudge or taking out our anger on the “messenger” (all too often one of our children or our spouse), we must try make sense of G-d’s message. What is He trying to get us to do differently or to think about differently? What is He telling us about our past actions or our plans? While we cannot control the words, actions or emotions of G-d’s messengers, we can and must control our reactions and responses to them.  

http://www.aish.com/tp/pak/fp/48897907.html

http://www.chabad.org/parshah/article_cdo/aid/1726319/jewish/The-Day-Forgiveness-was-Born.htm

Vayechi 5772

In this week's parsha, Yaakov (Jacob) blesses his sons before he dies. His blessings relate to the sons' past deeds and describe the sons' future. When he blesses Shimon and Levi, Yaakov says: "In their afam [wrath], they killed a man…Cursed is their afam [wrath], for it is mighty." Yaakov's words refer to Shimon's and Levi's revenge killing on the inhabitants of Shechem for kidnapping and violating their sister Dina.

Why did Yaakov curse Shimon's and Levi's anger?

The Sages tell us that a person filled with anger is equivalent to an idol worshiper (Shabbos 105b.) When in the throes of uncontrollable anger, a person acts without fear of G-d. Ruled completely by anger and not by reason, a raging person is capable of transgressing the greatest prohibitions, i.e., even killing another person.

One of the Thirteen Attributes of G-d is erech apayim, literally, long nose(s), the Hebrew word for nose being af, but usually translated as slow to anger. Rashi suggests that this is because when we are angry, our nostrils flare. (Shemot 15:8) By contrast, one who is slow to anger takes a deep breath through the nose and uses the powers of intellect to subdue the anger and remain in control.

The Sages teach us that we must constantly pray for help in controlling our anger. Rabbi Akiva would pray daily that he not succumb to anger: May it be Your will, Hashem, that I not become angry, and that I not anger You.

The story is told of a father who, when his children misbehaved and he was in danger of losing his temper with them, would don a special coat. He would calmly walk to the coat closet and slowly and deliberately put on the coat, painstakingly buttoning each of the dozens of brass buttons. By the time he accomplished this, his anger had subsided.

As parents, we must maintain equanimity and remain in control of our emotions. When the juice spills, when the principal calls, when the offenses are more consequential, let calm prevail, breathe, and deal rationally with the situation.

Chukat 5771

In this week's parsha, Miriam dies and the miraculous travelling well of water (which G-d provides in her merit) disappears. The people complain to Moshe that there is no water to drink. G-d instructs Moshe: "Take the staff and assemble the congregation, you and your brother Aharon, and speak to the rock in their presence so that it will give forth its water. You shall bring forth water for them from the rock and give the congregation and their livestock to drink.  Moshe took the staff from before the L-rd as He had commanded him. Moshe and Aharon assembled the congregation in front of the rock, and he said to them, 'Now listen, you rebels, can we draw water for you from this rock?' Moshe raised his hand and struck the rock with his staff twice, when an abundance of water gushed forth, and the congregation and their livestock drank.  The L-rd said to Moshe and Aharon, 'Since you did not have faith in Me to sanctify Me in the eyes of the children of Israel, therefore you shall not bring this assembly to the land which I have given them.'"

What is the nature of Moshe and Aharon's sin that they receive the severe punishment of not entering the Land of Israel?

The precise nature of Moshe and Aharon's sin, for which G-d charges them with not believing in Him, is enigmatic, and is addressed by nearly all commentators. According to Rashi, the sin is that Moshe strikes the stone instead of only speaking to it, as G-d had instructed; according to Maimonides, it is that Moshe gets angry, and says, "Hear now, you rebels."

Chassidic Master Rabbi Levi Yitzchak of Barditchev sees Maimonides' and Rashi's explanations as two sides of the same coin. If a leader's influence on the community is achieved through harsh words of rebuke, then his relationship with the environment is likewise: he will have to forcefully impose his will on it to get it to serve his people's needs and their mission in life. If, however, he influences his community by lovingly uplifting them to a higher place so that they, on their own, will desire to improve themselves, the world will likewise willingly yield its resources to the furtherance of his goals. (See http://www.chabad.org/parshah/in-depth/default_cdo/aid/45616/jewish/In-Depth.htm.)

As a leader, Moshe should never have harshly admonished the people or used physical force to emphasize a point. He would have been more effective, and indeed been able to penetrate stubborn hearts of stone, had he employed calm, non-abusive verbal communication rather than anger and physical force.

As parents, we must carefully choose the words and actions we use to rebuke our non-compliant children. There should be no name-calling, no demeaning, and under no circumstances must we ever substitute or accompany these words with physical force.