Devarim 5773

“These are the devarim (words) which Moshe (Moses) spoke to all Israel on that side of the Jordan in the desert, in the plain opposite the Red Sea, between Paran and Tofel and Lavan and Chazerot and Di Zahav.” (Devarim/Deuteronomy 1:1)

Thus begins the fifth and final book of Torah, Devarim. During his remaining days as leader, Moshe reiterates the laws and prepares the people for their future life in Israel. As part of his review Moshe subtly reminds the people of their past transgressions.

Why does Torah list the places in which the people of Israel sinned, rather than naming the transgressions?   

Writes Rashi citing Sifrei: “These are words of rebuke and he [Moshe] enumerates here all the places where they angered the Omnipresent, [but] makes no explicit mention of the incidents [and] rather merely alludes to them, out of respect for Israel.”

Moshe is careful to be respectful in his criticism so that he will be able to inspire the people to improve their behavior. Writes Rabbi Pinchas Winston on torah.org: “What came through his words was his love of the people, a people who had been the very cause of his own downfall. Yet, he restrained himself in their honor, and any criticism that reveals love is one that inspires change for the better.”

As parents, we may find ourselves criticizing our children for flaws in their behavior. If we would truthfully examine our own behavior, we likely would find the same flaws.  Writes Rabbi Winston: “To another adult one can say, ‘do as I say, not as I do,’ and maybe get away with it. However, children have difficulty separating philosophy from action, and end up imitating their parents’ actions despite their parents’ philosophy to the contrary. Whereas adults may reject criticism with the words ‘you’re just like me’, children may escape criticism by saying ‘I’m just like you.’”

Rabbi Winston suggests that we parents admit to our children that we have flaws, that we have made mistakes and that we would like to change. We should tell them that because of our own weaknesses, we understand how hard it is to change one’s behavior. We should remind them how much we care about them and the quality of their lives, and encourage them to change their behavior to improve their lives. Perhaps, then, we will be inspired to change our own behavior.

http://www.torah.org/learning/perceptions/5758/devarim.html

Published in loving memory of Rachel bas Sholom. May her holy neshama (soul) have an aliya (rise) in Shamayim (the heavens) and may her memory be for blessing.

Chukat 5773

This week’s Haftorah (Shoftim/Judges 11:1-33) provides a lesson in parenting through one of the most disturbing stories in Tanach. Yiftach haGileadi (Jephthah) vows to G-d that in exchange for Israel’s victory over the Ammonites, he will sacrifice whatever walks out of the doorway of his house. The Haftorah concludes with Yiftach’s victory.

The story continues: Yiftach returns home to discover his daughter (unnamed in the text) dancing at the doorway, timbrel in hand. Yiftach rents his clothing, distressed that he now must fulfill his vow and sacrifice his only child. (There is no mention of Yiftach’s wife or his daughter’s mother in text or Midrash, so it is possible that Yiftach is a single parent who has no wife to protest his troubling decision regarding his daughter’s fate.)

Some background on Yiftach before the rush to judgment: Yiftach is the tenth Judge of Israel appointed not for his wisdom, but for his bravery and might. He is the illegitimate son of a prostitute. His half-brothers (legitimate sons of Yiftach’s father) expel Yiftach from their home. (Yiftach does not have the benefit of good parental role models.) Yiftach goes to live in the land of Tov (Hebrew for “good”).  From this, Rabbi Avraham Greenbaum infers that Yiftach is not a rasha (wicked man), but a tzaddik (righteous man) with good intentions.

Writes Rabbi Greenbaum: “The flaw lay in the fact that his [Yiftach’s] righteousness was not combined with clear understanding of Torah. Yiftach wanted to do the right thing, but not being a scholar he did what he imagined to be right and brought about a terrible tragedy.”  Yiftach is not bound whatsoever by his vow, as human sacrifice transgresses Torah law, but he ignorantly offers his daughter as a sacrifice.

Moreover, if Yiftach had simply asked Pinchas, the high priest, to annul the vow, senseless tragedy could have been averted. Unfortunately, Yiftach is too arrogant to approach Pinchas for guidance. And Pinchas is too proud to approach Yiftach. Writes Rabbi Naftali Silberberg on chabad.org: “The hubris demonstrated by these two leaders cost an innocent girl her life.”  The text is ambiguous as to whether Yiftach actually kills his daughter, or simply condemns her to a monastic life, forfeiting marriage and motherhood and thus terminating Yiftach’s lineage.

Besides the obvious admonition about the gravity of making and annulling vows (especially those involving our children), Yiftach’s story provides other valuable lessons for parents. We should heed Pirkei Avot/Ethics of the Fathers 1:6: appoint a rav, a Torah teacher, for ourselves. No matter how long we have been studying Torah, or how learned we feel we are, it is simply impossible for us to apply Torah to every situation we encounter.

 A trusted, learned rabbi can help us to solve family problems and aid us in making difficult decisions, ensuring that our resolutions are consistent with Torah law and values. Once we find that rav, we should never feel too proud to ask for direction, for no question is a foolish one – only a fool fails to ask questions.

  

http://www.azamra.org/Bible/Judges%2011-12.htm

http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/638426/jewish/What-happened-to-Jephthahs-daughter.htm

           

Korach 5773

In this week’s Torah portion, Korach plots to overthrow Moshe (Moses). “Korach…took [himself to one side] along with Datan and Aviram, the sons of Eliav, and On ben (son of) Pelet, descendants of Reuven. They confronted Moshe together with 250 men…” The earth opens and swallows Korach and his followers, but the Sages teach that On ben Pelet is spared, and that it is his wife who saves him.

The Talmud (Sanhedrin 110) says that Korach’s wife incites him to rise up against Moshe. By contrast, the Talmud (Sanhedrin 109b) notes that On ben Pelet’s wife advises her husband to stay out of the fray. She asks her husband, “What difference will the outcome make to you? No matter who is named leader, you still will be a disciple.” In other words, she tells On that because he will never be the leader, he has nothing to gain from getting involved in the rebellion.

On’s wife states an obivious fact, but it is nothing short of the brilliance King Solomon attributes to her in Mishlei/Proverbs 14:1: “The wise woman builds her house.” 

Rav Yissocher Frand cites Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz: “When most people are involved in machlokes (disputes), they lose their cool and their common sense. The fire of machlokes – picking sides, getting involved, becoming part of it – is all-powerful. There is an overriding tendency and evil inclination to throw away one’s common sense and jump into the blinding dynamics of machlokes. It requires brilliance to overcome that tendency and instead use such a simple and down to earth approach. Maintaining common sense in moments of tension requires great wisdom.”

As parents, it is tempting to involve ourselves in arguments at our children’s schools, during our children’s competitive events, with our children’s friends’ parents. Often the disputes are about the politics of organizations, institutions or families in which we are not principal players. When these situations arise, we must maintain common sense and avoid participating in matters that are not our concern. In this way, our children will learn to avoid arguing or taking sides when there simply is nothing to be gained.

http://www.torah.org/learning/ravfrand/5763/korach.html

Behaalotcha/Shelach 5773

“Miriam and Aharon spoke against Moshe regarding the Cushite woman he had married.” (Bamidbar/Numbers 12:1)

At the end of this week’s parsha, Behaalotcha, Miriam discovers that Moshe (Moses) has separated from his wife. She discusses her concern with Aharon (Aaron). They equate Moshe’s level of prophecy with their own and cannot understand why Moshe has chosen to abstain from marital relations while they remain with their spouses. In fact, G-d has instructed Moshe to remain ritually pure so that he constantly is prepared to receive G-d’s word.

G-d becomes angry that Miriam has criticized His most exalted prophet and He afflicts Miriam with tzaraat, a leprosy-like skin condition. For seven days, until she recovers, Miriam is exiled from the camp. The people in the camp do not move on until Miriam rejoins them, giving them time to contemplate the importance of shmirat lashon (guarding one’s speech).

“Send out for yourself men who will scout the Land of Canaan, which I am giving to the Children of Israel.”  (Bamidbar/Numbers 13:1)

At the beginning of next week’s parsha, Shelach, Moshe sends out scouts to report on the condition of the Land of Israel. They describe the Land as one that “devours its inhabitants”. Wherever they go, they witness funerals, so they assume the Land is dangerous. In fact, G-d has arranged for there to be many deaths and burials during the scouts’ visit so that the inhabitants of the Land will be distracted and not notice the scouts.

Rabbi Mordechai Willig on torahweb.org comments on the juxtaposition of the two Torah portions: “Miriam’s basic mistake was the misinterpretation of the facts. She thought that Moshe had decided on his own to abstain, and she questioned his decision. In reality, however, Moshe was commanded to do so. Miriam’s lashon hara (improper speech) was caused by her incorrect understanding of a situation that she had discovered.”

Rabbi Willig notes that the scouts made a mistake similar to the one Miriam made. Writes Rabbi Willig: “The lesson that the meraglim (scouts) should have learned from Miriam was the need to be certain about the facts before criticizing a person or a land…Once the negative impression of the land took hold in the people’s minds, it was impossible to uproot. Such is the power of negative speech…that it is difficult, if not impossible, to rectify.”

As parents, we must make sure we have all the facts before we criticize our children. We should not rush to judgment and should always give them the benefit of the doubt. If we must criticize, we should do so privately so that we do not embarrass our children, and so that we do not creative a negative impression of them for others.  

http://www.torahweb.org/torah/2000/parsha/rwil_teitsei.html

Naso 5773

In his discussion of the Haftorah for Naso (Shoftim/Judges 13: 2-25), Rav Yissocher Frand writes about Rav Shimon Schwab’s “novel interpretation” of the Haftorah’s account of an angel appearing to Manoach and his barren wife to announce that they would have a special child, a lifetime Nazirite who would fight against the Philistine oppressors.

The angel appears first to Manoach’s wife. When she tells Manoach, he prays to G-d for the angel to reappear and tell him how to raise the child. The angel has already given the future mother the necessary instructions on how to raise a Nazirite – as her Nazirite son would, she should abstain from wine and grapes from before conception forward. Rav Schwab asks, what more did Manoach need to know?   

The angel returns and tells Manoach: "From everything that I warned your wife, guard (tishamer). Do not consume that which comes from the grape of the vine…" Asks Rav Schwab, so what in fact is new in the angel's answer? He just seems to be repeating what he already told Manoach's wife.

Rav Schwab explains that Manoach does not have a question regarding the laws of being a Nazirite. He asks a question regarding chinuch, the laws of raising children. Manoach asks, “Can I raise a Nazirite, if I myself am not a Nazirite?" Could he raise a child to do things that he does not do himself?

Writes Rav Frand: “According to Rav Schwab, the angel responded, ‘Yes, in fact, you must also observe these laws yourself.’ This is an elementary principle in child rearing, but it is a tremendously novel interpretation of the verse in our Haftorah. In Hebrew grammar, the verb tishamer, which appears in the angel's instructions to Manoach, can be interpreted in one of two ways. The standard interpretation is ‘she should guard herself’ (third person, referring to Manoach's wife). Rav Schwab interprets the word in accordance with the second possible translation: ‘You should guard yourself’ (second person, referring to Manoach).”

The angel delivers a basic parenting principle: the only way for parents to teach is by our own example. If we want to raise decent and honest Jewish people then we, ourselves, must be decent and honest Jewish people.

http://torah.org/learning/ravfrand/5762/naso.html